Why the Akatsuki should NEVER play badminton
by Ookami no Koofuku
Summary: Crack fic. The Akatsuki find themselves playing badminton in park. Deidara being the one who suggested it, ends up being hunted down... Rated T: For swearing and violence.


_**Disclaim**_ I do not own ANY of the naruto characters nor do I even need to. The characters featured in this fanfic belong to Masashi Kishimoto.

**Why Akatsuki should NEVER play badminton… **

It was going to be a calm, wonderful day at least that was what Sasori thought. He was in his pink/red pyjamas and his red fluffy slippers having his breakfast (A/N: cereal, jus whatever), when the ever so blond Deidara (A/N: Sorry Deidara fans. Don't get mad, since I don't mean it in an offensive way…) stormed in to the kitchen with his usual goofy attitude, wearing denim shorts, a white long sleeved shirt under a blood red t-shirt with his favourite catchphrase 'Art is a Bang!'.

His hair was in his normal high ponytail, some falling over his left eye, and the rest flowing down his back. "

Danna, guess what, un?"

Not even reacting to the sudden noise, the redhead signed and glanced up at Deidara with annoyed look before he asked: "And what would this be Deidara?"

"I had this great idea that since we don't have any missions, we should round up the rest of the members, except _Tobi…" _

Saying that name almost made Deidara throw up."…and go play some badminton, un!"

The puppet master stared at his partner in disbelief.

_'Deidara has had some crazy ideas, but he outdid himself this time…'_

His train of thought was disturbed.

Deidara was looking at him. He was staring back. The breakfast was long since forgotten.

The explosions expert finally broke the silence: "Weeeeell, do you agree, un?"

"No, the idea's stupid"

"WHAT?!!!" The blond yelled.

"No" "Fine, un!" after saying that Deidara stomped out of the kitchen.

Moments later a screeching scream could be heard: "Deidara!"

"Itachi!!" Deidara replied cheerfully.

"Where is my nail polish?"

As an angry Itachi wearing a black and red sweater, stone washed jeans and a par of fine dress shoes, came into a bright, almost blinding bedroom, Deidara's cheerful smile became a devious smirk, before responding: "I don't know Itachi. I really don't know, un,"

The usually emotionless Itachi walked over to Deidara's bed, sat down while giving him a death glare. Deidara himself was sitting on a desk chair on the other side of the room, parallel to the bed.

In a cold harsh tone Itachi said: "I know you're lying. Where did you put it?"

Deidara gave the Sharingan-user an innocent look, before answering the question: "Are you accusing me of stealing your precious nail polish, un?"

"Yes" Itachi answered before going back to his emotionless face.

"Well, I haven't, un. But I know were Leader-sama keeps them…"

Deidara didn't get to finish what he was saying before Itachi cut him over: "Where does he keep the nails polishes?"

"I'll tell you, but on one condition, un. You have to come with me to the park to play badminton, and force everyone else to come. Except Tobi_, that little brat_" He angrily muttered the last part.

"Now, that we are all here. Do you mind telling us why you summoned this meeting? " Kakuzu asked Leader-sama.

He was wearing black pants, a black and white stripped shirt. His hair was covered by his normal headgear. Leader-sama was sitting the end of a long table in deep rich brown colour.

A grinning Deidara and a smirking Itachi were sitting on each side of him. Sitting next to the blond was his partner. Sasori was no longer wearing his pyjamas, but a grey hooded sweater and some khaki pants.

Next to him was Kakuzu and followed by a glaring Hidan. The immortal one was dressed in a pair of dark jeans, purple t-shirt, and black and purple sneakers.

"Hell yeah, tell me why fucking missing my TV-show?"

On the other side of the table, next to Itachi was his partner. Kisame sat there rubbing his eyes, still sleepy after begin yanked out of his big, comfortable bed. He was wearing some blue slacks, and a white sweater with blue and white sneakers.

Zetsu sat on the other end of the table gulping down a metre long sandwich filled with all kind of meat that was drenched in mustard. He like everyone else was wearing casual clothing, consisting of some black tight-fitting jeans, an open collared white shirt and some brown dress-shoes.

Leader-sama cleared his troth, indicating he was going to speak. He was dressed in a pair of loose jeans, white t-shirt covered by his leather jacket, and sneakers. His eyes covered by some dark shades.

"I asked you to come here today, because something was brought to my attention…STOP! No swapping mascara at the meeting table. What do you guys do in the bathroom for hours that requires our time just so you could put on mascara?"

"First of all we clean our pores, un…"

An hour later:

"…we would have been done if not for Deidara!" Itachi finished glaring at the blond.

By now only Itachi, Deidara, and Sasori were listening to their fascinating story, while the rest were snoring loudly.

"Hihi, time for a bang!"

A sudden noise woke up the sleeping beauties.

"What the fuck! Are you fucking assholes doing?!"

"For once I agree with Hidan," Kisame mumbled.

"Why did you wake me up? I was having a wonderful dream about a pool full of..." Kakuzu said wiping of some drool.

"Money, yeah know, un!"

"Did I HEAR an EXPLOSION?"

"No Leader-sama, un!"

"You're lying!" Leader-sama pointed accusingly.

"N-no I-I'm not, un!" "You're stammering, you only stammer when lying…" Leader-sama said icy tone, literally freezing the room and its inhabitants…

Several hours later…:

"Where did you get the bowl of _suger_?"

"While Leader-sama was ranting about gods knows what, un. I replaced myself with a clay-bunshin, like Kisame, and Hidan did, un. That's why Hidan hasn't spoken in a while, and Kisame is sleeping in the living room, un,"

"Kakuzu, what's wrong?" Zetsu asked a sobbing Kakuzu.

"Sniff…I'm broke…sniff…all of my savings disappeared…sniff"

"How much are we taking about?"

"Sniff…a billion ryo…sniff"

'_Hidan's going to die a painful death… Spending all that money on "spreading the news about Jashin,"…' _

_'It would have been a wonderful, if not for the fact that the big baby throbs in pain, but I'm hungry again…'_ The other Zetsu added.

"Someone must have stolen it" Itachi stated, while filing his nails.

"Sniff…Hi-Hi-HIDAN!!!"

Kakuzu lost his temper, hitting Hidan upside head, making the bunshin disappear.

Leader-sama stopped his ranting, turned around from the blackboard, looking for the one who dared defy him…

The next day:

"What the fuck are we doing here?!" cried Hidan.

Everyone (except Tobi and the unknown lady) was sitting in the black with red clouds Volkswagen van driving toward the nearby park.

Most of them rolled their eyes at Hidan's whining, while the ever so cheap Kakuzu was also whining, but under his breath so the other wouldn't hear: "Why must we spend money on gas, and equipment to play a foolish game? Why must I endure this punishment?"

Hidan and Kakuzu were easily persuaded, since they neither had any mission nor wanted to defy Leader-sama. How Leader-sama was convinced will still remains a mystery.

"Screw you!" was heard for the back.

Hidan, Kakuzu and Sasori were sitting in the back. Sasori mumbled something incoherent, while Hidan and Kakuzu were arguing.

"You could screw yourself!"

They were followed by Itachi, Kisame and Deidara.

Itachi was painting his nails with a shade of metallic purple with a hint of black. Next to him was his blue haired shark friend sleeping quietly. Deidara was japing about how wonderful it will be when they get there.

In the front were Zetsu and Leader-sama. Of course Leader-sama was driving.

He never let any of them near the Akatsuki mobile after the "incidents". He still remembers the day Deidara drove his precious car:

**Flashback: **

**"LEADER-SAMA!!" Deidara screeched, making Leader-sama flinch. **

**Deidara so happened to be only a few inches away from him. Leader-sama turned his head around, eyes flaming and growled out a "what" before shooting piercing glares at him. **

**Nervously Deidara inched a couple of steps back. Feeling that he had now could speak with out getting his head bitten, literally, he began his story: **

**"Leader-sama, un. I was out cleaning the garage like you told me to, un. Since the incident with the …" the blond coughed "…clay…" another cough" …bird…" **

**He cleaned out his throat and continued: "When I remembered that car hadn't been washed and I thought that I should help you out since you are a busy man, un. While I was driving I saw the cutest little puppy in the middle of the road, un. I immediately turned the car around so the little thing wouldn't hit the car and ruin the paint job, un. But l kind of hit a tree, un…" Deidara said the last part in a mumble, however Leader-sama heard what he had said perfectly well. **

**"WHAT!!" **

**After yelling at the bomb expert for a while (A/N: cough a whole day cough) Leader-sama calmed down. **

**"Where is it now?" **

**Scratching the back of his head Deidara answered scared: "Weeeell I sort of panicked and stuffed a clay bird in the ignition pipe (A/N: The thing in the back of the car that sends out gas is called an ignition pipe. Right?) and made in explode, un. Hehe…" **

**Deidara never got to finish what he had to say. The blond feared for his life, knowing that Leader-sama never lost a fight… **

**End of flashback. **

Leader-sama shook his head.

_'Never, never again. As long as I live I will not let any of them go near this steering wheel. Especially Deidara!!'_

While Leader-sama was occupied with his thought, he neglected to watch were he was going.

"LEADER-SAMA LOOK, UN!!" Deidara screamed.

Leader-sama regained his composure in the nick of time. They almost hit a tree.

The first thing that struck them when they arrived was the sun shining brightly, almost blinding them

_'What the fuck! It's too bright!!'_

They all pretty much had the same thought, well except Deidara, who look like he was on crack.

"Danna! Danna! Danna! Let go and play Badminton, un!!"

Poor Sasori was dragged off by a hyper Deidara, through the giant green park.

"…"

The rest of them stood there rooted in to the ground in awkward silence. Sweat dropping at the blonds antics.

"What the fuck is wrong with him?!" Hidan erupted, causing the remaining Akatsuki to look at him.

He got the following answers:

"Whatever..."

"Don't know,"

"…"

"Let's go and play some badminton, ok?"

Kisame, Zetsu and Kakuzu used a henge making them seem like normal humans with weird hair colours.

Kisame had shock blue spiked hair, thick blue eyebrows, his tanned skin glowing in the sun, and his gills turned in to faint scars.

Zetsu's hair was black on the right side and green on the left side and came done to his shoulders, his eyes were both yellow and his skin so pale that it could rival Orochimaru's.

Last but not least, came Kakuzu. His hair was jet black reaching below his shoulders, bangs covering on each side nicely framing his face. His skin was neither pale nor tanned.

Afterwards they spilt up into teams of two, most of them in their usual teams. Leader-sama was left with Zetsu.

"I'm here, Danna!"

"No, I'm here, Danna!"

"Wait! I'm stand here now, Danna! " Sasori signed.

"Deidara, stop moving! I haven't even thrown the ball!"

"Then throw it, un!"

"Shut up and stay in one spot!"

"Okay, Sasori-danna!"

The puppet master flicked the ball in the air, serving it toward the blond.

"Danna, I'm over here. I'm in front of you not behind you, un,"

"I knew that…"

"Okay, just checking, un," Deidara grinned.

The game continued with Sasori accidentally shooting in all over the place, and Deidara flying in the directions of it.

"Danna, make the ball go over there, un,"

"Sure…" The ball hit the clay-user on the nose.

"Darn it Danna! That hurt, un…"

A ghost like smile tugged on Sasori lips.

"Itachi-san, why did you agree to this?" Kisame questioned his partner serving the ball back to him.

The score was 12-4 to Kisame.

"Hn,"

"I thought you hated being in public?"

"Hn"

"Why aren't you answering me?"

"Hn" "FOR GODS SAKE, ANSWER ME ITACHI!"

A look of fear came over the brunette before he speeded off in to the nearby forest. Turning around to see were his partner went off to, Kisame grew perplexed.

_'What's wrong with him?'_

Soon a herd of girls, who had heard the name and recognised the poor weasel, ran passed Kisame. That when it dawned on him.

_'That's why he ran,_' he thought while snickering.

_'Should I help him?'_ He shrugged and when to sit under a big Sakura tree.

_'He can take care of himself,' _

An hour later…

Still no sign of Itachi, Kisame began to worry. Slowly he stood up and went in the same direction he saw Itachi flying of to.

"Mommy, look at that lady! She sounds like a man!" a four years old girl pointed at Deidara, while giggling behind her other hand.

Sasori looked at his partner, sensing an evil aura starting to form around him. The puppet-master did what was necessary to avoid exposure. He said the famous line that always made Deidara forget the situation and turn his attention to Sasori.

"Deidara, your explosions are not art!"

Deidara turned to Sasori in full rage, causing Sasori to flinch a bit _' _

_Maybe I shouldn't have said_ _that'_

"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT, UN?! YOU KNOW ART IS IN THE MOMENT NOT SOMETHING THAT LAST FOREVER, YEAH! ART IS A BANG!"

Innocent bystanders noticed all of the commotion going on and started to flock around Sasori and Deidara.

Every time Hidan missed, he would curse out aloud, and then get Kakuzu to jell at him. They played for some time, Kakuzu winning each time. Hidan was getting more and more irritable, and for each time more vulgar words would come out of his mouth.

This was also creating a scene.

Anger was boiling inside of Kakuzu. The score was now 134-0 to Kakuzu.

_'Why the fuck can't he shut up!'_ he thought while grinning his teeth.

People were either shocked or covering the virgin ears of their children. Seeing this made Hidan even more enraged.

"In the name of Jashin, I exterminate all of the heathens in this fucking park!" he shouted, earning the attention of the almost whole park.

In the blink of the eye, he drew scythe out of nowhere running towards the nearest person, a pregnant mother holding her three years old. Kakuzu sighed.

Meanwhile Leader-sama was massaging his temples _'Take a deep breath, take a deep breath. Remember the plan, world domination, world domination and world domination'_

He was standing further away from form the rest_ trying_ to play badminton with Zetsu. _Trying_ being the keyword.

Every time Leader-sama passed the ball to Zetsu, he would instead of passing it back catch it in his mouth.

_'So hungry…'_ The man-eating plant thought weary.

The balls were just mere appetizers therefore he started to look around for something else to eat. He spotted a plum looking kid sitting alone under a shaded tree. With drool running down his chin, he began to quarrel with himself. _'He looks soo delicious, let us go and eat him,' 'We should wait. Leader-sama will be furious if we do that….'_

A few hours later…

A loud rumbling sound was heard.

_'I don't care anymore. We are far too hungry to just stand here,' _

And off went Zetsu.

"Itachi-san!! Where are you?!" Kisame yelled going further in the dark, humid forest.

_Why did he agree to this? Look at the mess he has created!'_ Kisame thought frustrated.

Signing loud he continued on his path to Itachi. Suddenly he heard a pitched scream…

Things weren't looking to good. All of them had stopped playing badminton ages ago, and were disturbing the peaceful atmosphere surrounding the park.

If things weren't bad enough, and unexpected visitor drop by.

"DEIDARA- SEMPAI!!!"

'_PLEASE tell me it isn't the one I think it is, un'_

Deidara turned slowly around only to be met by his worst nightmare.

The person glomped him in a big bone cracking bear hug.

"Get it off me, get it off me!!" Deidara yelled panic struck.

The same little girl from before, giggled at the PDA (public display of affection) of the two grown men.

"Who told you where to find us?!"

_'Above all, where to find ME!!'_ Deidara groaned, adding a silent "un".

"Tobi is a good boy, He found you guys all by himself!" The visitor sang with a smile still holding the blond bomber in the thing embrace.

"Danna, help!" Deidara squeaked trying to wriggle out of the masked man's hold.

The crowd were dieing with laughter.

Sasori just stood there calmly, looking at Tobi harassing Deidara.

"Why the fuck did you stop me, shitty freak!" Hidan was stopped inches before hitting his target with the scythe.

The woman scared to death, broke down on the spot. Her husband, who didn't witness situation, came back seeing his wife in tears. Dropping the ice-creams, he rushed to her side.

Kakuzu still held Hidan's scythe back.

"Who the hell are you calling me freak, vampire! The only reason I stop you was because Leader-sama said not draw attention, or kill civilians, you moron!"

" Moron? You, fucking heathen! Let me tell you who the fucking morons are! They are all shitheads that don't believe in the great Jashin-sama."

"This is neither the time nor the place to have this conversation…"

"Are you scared? You big chicken!"

Hidan did the chicken walk, making gross like sounds.

"…"

A ticked off Kakuzu launched an attack on the immortal one.

"Didn't you fucking say not to draw attention?"

"I'll show you who's the freaking chicken is!"

"You just blew a fucking hole through me!"

"You dipshit, get back here! I'm not done with you!"

People were fleeing the scene. Smoke was rising into the sky. The fire department quickly extinguished the fire, before it spread.

Kisame was now deep inside, almost at the core of the forest. Massive, majestic trees blocking the little ray of sun that shone over the forest. The light was getting weaker by the second, faint giggling could be heard.

The Samehade wielder sighed, _'At least I know I'm going the right way' _and kept on walking.

As soon as he reached his destination the trees stopped, and revealed a great open plane. Wild and rare flowers littered the place.

Kisame hid behind a tree. From his hiding place he could see a pack of giddy girls at all ages, flocking together around something or someone.

_'That's were Itachi-san is!'_

"Itachi-kun!! Will you marry me?!"

"Marry you? Why would he marry YOU, when he could marry me?"

"I want your BABIES!"

"FORGET ABOUT MARRING! FUCK ME!"

"NO! ME!"

While the girls fighting about who should have the right to marry or just fuck Itachi, the shark man snuck up behind a gagged, and tied up weasel. Grabbing him, Kisame fought his way out of the pit, at the same time managed to untie the torn up Itachi.

The girls kept throwing themselves at him, desperately trying to get back their precious Itachi. But they where now match against Kisame and the Samehade. (A/N: Where did he get it from? It's best if it remain a secret…)

Soon there were bodies scattered around. The two men were both covered in blood.

_'God, what did they do to him…?' _

The Sharingan-user stood trembling next to his partner.

"Thanks…" he mumbled softly.

"What did you say, Itachi-san?"

"I said _thanks_"

"Still, don't hear ya,"

"THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME!"

Kisame chuckled. "You're welcome,"

A screeching sound echoed in the dark forest. Itachi, out of impulse flung himself at Kisame.

"W-what are y-you d-doing?"

"…"

"Oooohh…"

With in seconds, another group of girls flocked around them.

"Is Itachi-kun blushing?!"

"Aaaah! They would make _cute_ couple!"

"Why is the other guy's skin _blue_?!"

"Even if you like guys, we will still love Itachi-kun!"

Getting of Kisame, Itachi hid behind the shark man.

"I'M NOT GAY!"

"Of course you're not. You're bisexual."

His eyes started to twitch uncontrollably.

"I'M NOT GAY!!"

"Itachi-kun it's not healthy to deny such an issue. No one is going to start hating you…"

"No, we hate Blue here for winning Itachi-kun's heart!"

Kisame was still unbelievably shocked.

_'Itachi, and I? HA! That ridiculous!' _

"For the last time, I'M NOT GAY! And if I was, why would I like HIM?"

"…"

"Hey! I don't like you, like that either!" Kisame replied indifferent.

The girls felt like they had been stomped on by an elephant.

"Don't you guys see, that you're perfect for each other"

The fellows ignored the babbling girls.

"Still, what's wrong with me?"

"First of all, you're blue. Second, you smell. Third, you're a shark…"

A while after:

"One hundred and seventeen, you do not think about your appearance,"

"Sniff…why Itachi-kun? ...sniff... Why would … you… say…sniff does things to blue…sniff"

"Apologize this instant Itachi-kun. Apologize so that you can kiss and make up!" "OR else you will pay, Itachi-kun!"

Zetsu came back munching on a piece of arm, to find no one. Leader-sama seemed to have disappeared.

_'He's not the type to vanish into thin air. But what if something happen?' 'Relax, he's probably somewhere around here,' _

_'But, but…' _

_'When did you/I start caring about others?' _

_'Don't know?' _

_'You don't know why you care, idiot?' _

_'You're me so you don't know either' _

_'…' _

_'Ah! I won!' _

_'Didn't Leader-sama drive us here?' _

_'Yeah…' "Problem solved, and I win, idiot!' _

_'Hmph' _

Leader-sama puffed in front of him.

"Arguing with yourself, again?"

Pulling his earplugs out and stuffing it in his jacket, he motioned for the Maneater to answer.

Zetsu simply remain silent.

"We better get going. Do you know where the rest are?"

"No,"

They stayed quiet for a couple of minutes.

Suddenly a blur of purple flew pass them, followed by a blur of black.

"Fuck you!"

They signed, immediately recognising who flew by.

"Get away from me, you bastard, yeah!"

"Come back Deidara-sempai! Tobi will be a good boy. Tobi promises!"

Deidara hid behind Zetsu, as the masked man gained up on the blond.

Sasori came after, as he casually strolled towards Leader-sama and Zetsu.

The explosion lover begged the plant man for help, getting the poor fellow stuck in the middle.

"Sasori, could you please get Hidan and Kakuzu, and meet us in the parking lot. They ran that way," Sasori nodded and set off in the said direction.

Yelling was heard from the forest.

"ITACHI-KUN!! Get behind back here and apologize to Blue!! How dare you hurt his feelings?!"

Coming out the forest was a dirty and ruffled up weasel. Following him was a horde of girls.

Running passed them he shouted: "I'll meet you guys in the parking lot!" Leader-sama sweat dropped.

"What did they mean by that, un?" Deidara had forgotten for the moment what he was doing, and let his guard down.

Tobi managed yet again to glomped his favourite sempai.

Kisame aloofly walked up to them.

"Hey,"

"Tobi just saw Itachi-kun just ran by,"

"I know,"

"Aren't you going to help Itachi, un?"

"Nope, he brought it on himself,"

"Okaay…un…"

"Let's go, the others will catch up with us,"

The tension in the car was unbearable, therefore the masked man decided to speak out load:

"Tobi thinks it was fun! Let's do it again!"

His reply was roaring "No"

"We shall never, NEVER do something like this again. Understood?"

They quivered at the tone of Leader-sama.

"Understood!"

"Let us never speak of this again" Itachi whispered from his ball like position. Kisame of course knew what he really meant…

Reasons why Akatsuki shouldn't play badminton: 

Reason nr 1: 

Deidara will jump around like an excited, hyperactive child. Ends up getting insulted by a four year old girl.

Reason nr 2: 

Itachi will freak out and gets run down by fangirls. Kisame will unfortunately try to help Itachi, but end up being accused by yaoi fangirls.

Reason nr 3: 

Hidan and Kakuzu will get into a vicious fight and scare people away from the park, resulting to exposure.

Reason nr 4: 

Leader-sama's patients will run out after Zetsu keeps eating the badminton balls. Zetsu also frightens the people in the park.

Reason nr 5: 

Excluding Tobi from group activities will only result in public humiliation on Deidara's and maybe on Sasori's behalf.

**A/N:**

I hope that you guys like the story. This one happened to be my first one. And was first postet on DA.

Remember to submit a review and fav it. I'd really appreciate if you guys would would not flame, but give your honest opinion.

Thanks!

Ookami no Koofuku


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